We went to watch John Carter at the theatre the other day. The film is Disney’s latest summer release and carried a PG12 rating (children below 12 had to be accompanied by a parent).
I’m not going to spoil it for you by revealing the plot, although you can read it here. Suffice to say that, while my 9-year-old son thoroughly enjoyed the movie (he laughed so loud, we were almost embarrassed), the rest of us thought the movie was only “so-so”. Sitting through 120 minutes of the movie was quite a torture and truth be told, I was almost overjoyed when it finally ended. Thankfully I did not develop pressure sores.
Not that the movie was bad in any particular way. It just lacks the ‘WOW!!’ factor. You know, the feeling one gets when one sees a scene like perhaps the light-saber duel in Star Wars or the first glimpse of Pandora in Avatar.
I think I would have enjoyed the movie more if:
1. Dejah Thoris, the warrior princess of Helium (her city on Mars) did not look like a man in wigs on anabolic steroids. (If I were John Carter, I’d rather not go back to Mars).
2. Helium wasn’t called ‘Helium’. I’ve always equated ‘helium’ with funny voices after inhalation of the gas.
3. John Carter had more testosterone than Dejah Thoris, or perhaps less estrogen.
4. The space crafts did not look like they were stolen from the set of Avatar and fitted with cropped grasshopper wings.
5. Tars Tarkas, the leader of the Tharks, did not look like an ectopic character who wandered off the set of Star Wars.
6. Those cute little green creatures which hatched on Mars did not look like they were offsprings of Shrek.
7. The hyperactive-super fast Mar’s version of a dog that became John Carter’s pet did not look like a juvenile version of Jabba-the-Hutt in Return of the Jedi.
8. The music score wasn’t so uninspiring or cheesy.
9. Shang, the busy-body celestial-but-mortal Thern, did not looked like he overdosed on SKII and Fair & Lovely facial cream.
10. The plot in parts, did not make me feel like I was watching Cowboys vs Aliens.
11. The people in the cinema did not include infants who whined and yelled intermittently throughout the film, idiots who did not know how to mute their blardy hand phones, imbeciles who had the need to check their FB updates every 3.5 seconds or the lovey-dovey couple behind me who giggled incessantly while whispering sweet nothings in Chinese loud enough to be heard in the next cinema hall. I almost wished I had a real light saber.
It was very annoying to watch John Cater romancing his testosterone-laden love interest accompanied by the unappreciated background noise of mobile phones, whiny babies and loud oriental foreplay.
I read it’s going to be a trilogy. Frankly I’m not holding my breath in anticipation.