Banana on TV

WARNING: THIS IS A VERY LONG POST!

“Are you free to come to 5U conference room this morning? There’s a meeting with the reporters on chikungunya infection”

And with that sms received by Jimbo, a series of (unfortunate) events were set in motion!

It was a couple of days ago when Jimbo received that sms while driving through the Monday morning jam in Kuala Lumpur. He quickly text back: “What time? I’m running late. So jam”

The sms was from a certain Professor in neurology.
And that got Jimbo curious.
Why would a neurology professor ask Jimbo to speak to reporters, and about Chikungunya?
He just assumed that the reporters (from some publications or newspaper) would like more details on the condition and so he didn’t give it much thought and continued driving to his destination.
“It’s probably an outbreak in KL and they wanted more information”, he reasoned.

The first sign of trouble came, when he arrived and asked one of his fellow ID physicians if she has been asked to meet reporters, she said “no” and that she was not aware of any Chikungunya outbreak!

Jimbo’s colleague said, “They didn’t invite me (a Malay) nor did they invite Dr. S (an Indian), but they invited you! My guess is, the interview is in Chinese!”

Gulp!

And so, at 11 am that fateful Monday morning, Jimbo walked into the conference room in 5U and met up with 2 professors of neurology, both looking prim and proper (with neck ties and all!). The elder professor had the presence of mind to bring along an extra tie for Jimbo (he probably notice that Jimbo NEVER wears a tie!) which Jimbo took gladly though he didn’t agree with the choice of tie color or design! I mean, a purple shirt with a brown tie??!! That’s a fashion disaster, even for a doctor! But then again, beggars can’t be choosers and so Jimbo wore the awful tie!

Jimbo was looking around for a newspaper reporter but was instead introduced to a young bespectacled Chinese lady flanked on her left by a Malay man CARRYING A VIDEO CAMERA!!!!! The lady quickly introduced herself, IN MANDARIN, that she is representing RTM 1 and they would like to get some updates on some infectious diseases like Japanese Encephalitis, Nipah encephalitis (ah! that’s why the neurologists are there), Dengue Fever and Chikungunya (ah, that’s why Jimbo was tricked into this)!!!!

Oh GAWWWDD!

They were going to TAPE the interview, IN MANDARIN and then air it for the whole world to watch!!!!!!

Jimbo’ mind quickly considered the options to escape this worst-than-hell scenario.
Should he feign an epileptic seizure? (but then again, he is in the company of 2 prominent neurologists who could probably abort the seizure with a mere glance!!!)
Should he develop acute bowel and bladder incontinence and excuse himself? (but that would be most undignified)

What?! What?! What?!
And for the first time in his life, he was hoping for one or all of these to occur at that crucial moment:
1. An urgent life and death type of ID referral
2. A heart attack
3. A call from telemarketers!
4. A huge bout of hemetemesis/hemoptysis
5. His ex-boss (who eats and breathes in Mandarin) would make an unexpected cameo appearance and offer to take over Jimbo’s place and rescue him

But as fate would have it, his phone was silent, no one decided to have a life and death situation, his heart went on ticking merrily with no sign of acute vascular blockage, no telemarketers decided to bug Jimbo about their latest credit card promo or holiday package; no hemetemesis or hemoptysis occurred and his ex-boss didn’t show!

Sigh…

When the elder professor discovered that Jimbo could not speak Mandarin to save his life, he shook his head in sadness (much like what an ancient wise sage would do) and muttered:

“You’re a disgrace to your race!”, and then he laughed! It was joke but it was also true.

Jimbo replied, “Yes, Prof, it’s quite true. One of my greatest regret is not being fluent in the Chinese language”. (Actually Jimbo’s parents did attempt to enroll him in a primary Chinese school but were told that it was fully booked! Apparently those days, you need to book in advance by a few years to secure a place and his parents were not aware of this. Nowadays you probably need to book it 5 years before getting married to secure a place). So, it’s the fault of the system that Jimbo is so un-Chinese.

And it came to pass that before you can mutter the word, “Disgraceful Banana”, that Jimbo was seated in between 2 professors (thus cutting off any escape route), with his back to the wall and facing a formidable microphone on a table, wearing a purple shirt with a brown tie, facing a Chinese reporter with a 102% Chinese vocabulary and a video camera a little behind the woman.

The interview started and the lady turned her attention (and microphone) to the elder professor. She asked about the Nipah outbreak which happened 10 years ago. The professor went into what appears to be a rapturous trance while relating, in perfect Mandarin, the series of events that happened, the researches done, the discovery of the virus, the similar outbreaks in other countries, etc, etc. It was almost like listening to Chinese poetry.

Ironically,  Jimbo could understand 90% of what was being asked and said but to ask him to even speak a proper sentence in Mandarin would be like asking him to give birth. You can say Jimbo has Motor Mandarin Aphasia.

By then, Jimbo was sweating buckets. The brown tie didn’t help. He felt suffocated.

His mind raced…
“What do you call Dengue in Chinese?”
“What about Chikungunya?”
“How do you say ’symptom’ or ’sign’ or ‘fried Peking duck’, for God’s sake?!!!!!”

Next, the lady turned her attention to the younger professor and he too related excitedly about his experience in treating the very first few cases of Nipah Encephalitis in Bukit Pelanduk etc, etc…; again, in perfect Mandarin.

Jimbo was almost in tears! He has never prayed so hard in his life. He prayed for the a sudden miraculous bestowing of the Chinese language into his vocabulary and suddenly he would break forth in expounding the theories and practices of management of dengue and chikungunya in perfect Chinese and everyone would be awed by his fantastic command of the language! He would redeem himself and his race!

But…

Nothing…

Nothing happened….

Jimbo suspects God is not Chinese….

And so, finally, at the hour of reckoning, it was Jimbo’s turn.
The reporter looked at Jimbo, and asked, (translated: Dr. J, can you tell us about the situation of dengue in Malaysia now?)

The rest was a blur.
All Jimbo could recall was that he stammered, sputtered, stumbled, spit, and babbled sounds  which could possibly be an amalgamation of the following:
1. 94.3% Chinese sounding English
2. 0.5% of Hakka
3. 1.2% of Cantonese
4. 0.03% of Teo Chew
5. 1% of Hokkien
6. 1.23% of what sounds like Mandarin
7. The rest were just bowel sounds

And then it was over. Jimbo turned to the younger professor next to him and said, “I will NEVER forgive you for getting me into this %&@%%&!!!!”; and he just laughed (he was probably much entertained by Jimbo’s fumbles and tumbles in front of the microphone and so thought it was worth risking Jimbo’s unforgiveness)

But it wasn’t truly over yet.

They wanted action shots!

You know, short video clips of us three experts (actually 2 experts and one hostage) in action. And so, we went to the EEG room, had our footage taken in front of a monitor showing a NORMAL SLEEPING EEG recording and we looked as if we were discussing about some serious brain malignancy; another footage at the MRI room in front of another TV screen showing, genuinely, an interesting case of Intravascular Lymphoma with metastasis to the spine (watch out for the case report!) and we genuinely had an interesting discussion; next we were shot ‘looking busy’ in our offices (Jimbo had to borrow one as he had none) and many other shots of us walking out of rooms, or into rooms, or along the ward corridor (a bit like Dr. HOUSE and his entourage).

Jimbo was so nervous, he couldn’t walk properly and his eyes kept darting to the camera. He felt watched and hunted!

It was there and then that he came to these few conclusions:
1. He could never be an actor (anyway, he doesn’t have the looks nor the body for it, so it’s a none-issue anyway)
2. He will avoid interviews at all cost in the future because he freezes up
3. He will carry a suitably color matched tie in his bag always
4. He is truly a disgrace to his race

Actually at the end of the 2.5 hours of interview and video-taping, he felt pretty miserable. Language was definitely a barrier and because of that he lost a golden opportunity to tell the public to clean up their mess, clear out stagnant water, kill mosquitoes and larvae, use repellents etc etc.

Sigh…

However, he did cheer up somewhat when some people wrote on his facebook:
1. I dunno about you, but if anyone asks me what my race is, I answer “Malaysian”!
2. You are a celebrity now!!
3. Don’t worry you have all the qualities and talent to make it to hollywood
4. LOL… rtm should know better than to interview english speakers in mandarin… their incompetence, not yours!
5. Never mind, Malaysian viewers very understanding wan..
6. U r definitely not 99% banana since U can communicate so well with my mum in god knows what dialect.

Thanks guys.

The program is due to be aired end of this month. Jimbo is thankful that only 0.5% of the Malaysian population watch that channel!

Fri, 160409 @ 0700