WHO AM I?

by Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Who am I? They often tell me I would step from my cell’s confinement calmly, cheerfully, firmly, like a squire from his country-house.

Who am I? They also tell me I would talk to my warders freely and friendly and clearly, as though it were mine to command.

Who am I? They also tell me I would bear the days of misfortune equably, smilingly, proudly, like one accustomed to win.

Am I then really all that which other men tell of?
Or am I only what I myself know of myself,
restless and longing and sick,
like a bird in a cage, struggling for breath, as though hands were compressing my throat,
yearning for colors, for flowers, for the voices of birds,
thirsting for words of kindness, for neighborliness,
trembling with anger at despotisms and petty humiliation,
tossing in expectation of great events,
powerlessly trembling for friends at an infinite distance,
weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making,faint, and ready to say farewell to it all?

Who am I? This or the other?
Am I one person today, and tomorrow another?
Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others,and before myself a contemptibly woebegone weakling?
Or is something within me still like a beaten army, fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?

Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions of mine.
Whoever I am, thou knowest, O God, I am thine.

Dedicated to my brother Wymen. You can do it brother! Just keep up the spirit!

3rd week into school

And my little girl learnt that her teacher can be heartless. She mistakenly did her Science homework in her Moral exercise book. Apparently, no one bothered to tell her which exercise book is for what subject. So when her teacher (the MORAL TEACHER no less) saw her science home work in the moral book, she went ballistic! She scolded my daughter in front of the whole class in Malay and tore off the pages of her home work in the book!

I don’t know about you but as a parent, I am deeply concerned. First and foremost, that is hardly the reaction I expect the moral teacher to exhibit. What are we telling the kids? That it’s fine to explode in a fit of anger and destroy some one else’s property if things didn’t go the way we like it? Whatever happened to fact finding and quiet consultation? Whatever happened to level headed decision making before lashing out at people? I guess that is lacking in that teacher. I am not sure if she is morally fit to teach moral.

And then, whoever gave her the right to destroy the property of others, even though it’s just the exercise book of a 7 year old girl? And who gave her the right to tear off the science homework she did though it was done in the wrong book? I am hoping her science teacher will no go ballistic as well when she discovers that the homework is now “undone”.

And doesn’t anyone care that my kid has just started school, that she only know a little bit of Malay, that she has no idea which book is for what coz they all looked the same, that she has a heart and that it breaks her heart to see her hard work torn to bits? Maybe I am over protective but I feel that it is wrong, very wrong to assault the psyche of a young child this way.

If we have teachers like this, teaching moral no less, I truly fear for the future of this country.

Picture Quiz

This 9 year old boy presented to a hospital in India. This picture was taken after being shown a bottle of water. Any one would like to venture a diagnosis?

Weekend Spent Gardening

Spent the weekend gardening with my family. Chinese New Year is just a week away so it was indeed time to spruce up the garden. The grass hasn’t been cut for a while now and weeds were everywhere! Usually my daughter hates gardening. She just can’t stand dirt on her hands. But last Saturday, for some inexplicable reasons, she actually joined in. Ryan on the other hand loves gardening.

Actually Ryan and Darlene do not really do any “gardening”. Much of the time they will be digging out chunks of earth from any one of the unfortunate potted plants and transfer the earth to anywhere they fancy at that moment. Many a beautiful plant has died this painful death. Still, it was good to have them out in the garden and doing something instead of watching Pooh Bear or Narnia or Shrek for the hundreth times (I lost count).

It was a nice surprise to see the flower on my aloe vera which I wrote about earlier has become taller! I can’t wait till it blooms, perhaps in time for the CNY.

Much to my utter chagrin, I discovered that my curry leaf plant has been infested by some really really ugly bugs that makes the leaves look sickly and unsightly. I
didn’t take any pics of those bugs, figuring they are too ugly for this blog. Ugh! I spent a fair bit of time pruning away all the dying leaves and also spraying inseticides on the remaining healthy ones.

My custard apple tree has been likewise invaded by a whole gang of these tiny “praying mantises”. They don’t really cause much damage to the leaves. Still, praying didn’t help as they went the same way as those ugly bugs.

My lime trees were infested with little catepillars. No wonder my lime did not bloom this year. Sigh.

Our nice little time in the garden were rudely interrupted by what at first seemed like a swarm of locusts but were actually very angry bees. Some idiots must have disturbed their quiet slumber in their nests on the trees just down the road. We had to run helter-skelter to find shelter. Thankfully no one was stung. My son was totally in awe to see the sky temporary darkened by the insects and the loud humming sound in the sky! My daughter could have won an Oscar screaming her lungs out. She should audition for one of those scream fest movies.

Darlene decided to “decorate” the plants a bit with “fishes” and “lanterns” made out of ang pows (red packets containing money traditionally given out during CNY). She made the lanterns herself while her grandpa made the fishes.

After a few hours, the garden was spick and span and ready for the coming new year.

Scapegoat

I think that much of the time I have been living in a bubble with a false sense of security. I believe that there is good in all of us. I believe that the people around me are kind, honest, considerate, loving. Every once in a while, the bubble burst and I get a rude jolt back to reality. I see again the ugliness of reality, that not all are kind, not all are charitable. Maybe I have been deluding myself all this while.

I felt the sting of betrayal yesterday. I don’t even want to write about it. In brief, I was made the scapegoat for something that I had no part in. Frankly, it hurt. Not because my reputation was tarnished but more so because the sting came from one I considered a friend.

Jesus must have felt that way, a long time ago, when he was betrayed with a kiss by one he called a friend, into the hands of his enemies. It must have hurt then. His “bubble” would have burst too.

It’s not mentioned in the Bible, but you know what, I reckon that Jesus forgave his betrayer. It’s part of his make up. He wouldn’t be who he is if he didn’t.

Yeah, it hurts. But I choose to forgive and move on. It’s the way to go if I am to follow in my Father’s footsteps. Despite it all, I still believe that there is good in all of us.

Grey’s Anatomy

I have been watching this series on 8TV for the past few Wednesday nights. It starts just about the time I get home from doing locum after work. I watch it from my bathroom while I prepare for bed. How? Yeah, I got this nifty little turn-table that I got for a song in Parkson Grand some time ago where I can place my little 14” TV on and I can conveniently turned it to face the toilet door. Cool eh?

So, as I brush my teeth, scrub my face (it’s a ritual every Wednesdays), shower and dry myself, I watched this show about a bunch of surgical interns working in the emergency department in a hospital. I know I sound rather vague here, simply because I don’t know any of the characters very well. It’s not exactly a show that endears to you, even after a couple of episodes, unlike LOST or DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES.

Well, for one, I didn’t particularly like any of the characters, especially Dr Meredith Grey (played by Ellen Pompeo), whose name features in the title of the show, a clever take on the classical anatomy book by GRAY….a book which everyone respects, everyone probably has a copy but no one reads….except maybe for a few anatomy fanatics or an anatomy lecturer…same thing if you ask me). I would certainly like Dr Grey a lot more if only her voice isn’t so raspy and soft. It sounds like a 6 year old speaking with a mouthful of cotton candy.

Still, after a while, the show grows on you. I actually find myself looking forward to watching it. Most of the stuff shown was really nothing new actually. Been there, done that. It’s been a long time since I was an intern.

They struggled in the show, grappling with many issues whether medical or otherwise. They struggled with unreasonable demands placed on them by their superiors and their patients. They struggle with their conscience sometimes. They learn to trust in their instincts sometimes. Yeah, been there, done that.

Like the in episode last week for instance, Dr Cristina Yang (played by Sandra Oh…btw, she just won an award for her acting at the Golden Globe) could not accept the fact that her patient chose to continue with her pregnancy knowing well that her decision would mean she will die of breast cancer as she could not be given chemotherapy. She felt that the patient’s decision was wrong. I was like that once. I felt that as a doctor, my job was to treat and heal. I could not understand why some people deliberately refused to be treated. Dr Yang was protrayed as a hardened intern, at least in her heart. I suspect she has built a wall of resilience around her to help her cope with the every day human tragedies she sees around her. I think she has very little emotion, unless of course when she is bedding Burke (Isaiah Washington), the senior surgeon there. They are a couple, you know, often making out in the doctor’s changing room. Doesn’t happen in real life…not that I know of anyway.

With years comes wisdom. Just as in the show, that patient simply chose to give life to a newborn baby, forsaking the little extension of her life by chemotherapy. She knew that when she is gone, her husband and her precious child would have many wonderful years ahead of them and they will always have beautiful memories of her. It’s not hard to understand how the child would feel in the future, knowing that his or her mum gave her life for him/her.

There’s a lesson to be learnt everyday, even in a sometimes cheesy TV show. Actually this show joins the ranks of other medical shows like Chicago Hope, ER, Saint Elsewhere and others, in that the doctors are surgeons. Somehow surgeons get all the glory. I guess it’s more exciting filming blood and gore and how a surgeon saves the day by donning a surgical mask and gown and starts operating away. Physicians in contrast are rather low key in TV shows. You must understand it’s hard to film a 14 day course of antibiotics and patients getting well… gradually. You can’t fit that into a one hour show.

Frankly, I like HOUSE more. It stands out like a sore thumb because it features a physician (and a brilliant one, mind you). It’s also because I don’t like any of the surgeons in GREY’S ANATOMY. Actually, I don’t know many likeable surgeons in real life either (I am going to get crucified for this statement!).

But then again, we are not here to be likeable. We are here to do a job. And do it well we will.

More From My Garden

Thought I would share some more pics taken from my tiny garden.

Close up shot of the leaves of my crouton plant. Real proud of it as I planted it from a mere leave-less twig many years ago!

For the first time since I was given this pot of aloe vera by my neighbour who was moving away, it’s blooming! I didn’t even know that aloe veras can bloom! I can’t wait to see what the flower would look like! Maybe it might just be in full bloom in time for Chinese New Year!

Got this new plant 2 weeks ago from the by now filthy rich nursery boss near my place. Looks beautiful but smells awful! Definitely not the flower you want to put your nose to.

My “what ever may be the name of this plant” is blooming as well! Really nice!

Close up shot of the flower. So delicate and nice.

Nice long willowy slender flowers against a blue tropical sun.

A Physician’s Prayer

I came across this prayer on the desk of one the clinic where I do part time work (locum). Thought I would share it with you guys..

A Physician’s Prayer

Lord, Thou Great Physician,
I kneel before Thee.
Since every good and perfect gift must come from Thee,
I PRAY:

Give skill to my hand,
clear vision to my mind,
kindness and sympathy to my heart.
Give me singleness of purpose,
strength to lift at least a part of the burden of my suffering fellowmen,
and a true realization of the rare privilege that is mine,
take from my heart all guile and worldliness,
that with the simple faith of a child I may rely on Thee. Amen

The Little Merman

This one is easy. Any takers?

The Feminine Side

I remember the advertisement by a local brew many years ago when I was a kid. It always starts with some real mucho macho men who worked hard and at the end of the day they will sit around a table and drink their manly brew. Yes, a nice end to a day’s hard work.

Two decades forward, that advertisement no longer exist. You can still see some advertisements promoting alcoholic beverages, but mainly in the first few minutes of the advertisement time before the start of a movie in the local cinema. The brew still exists of course. You can even smell it if you drive by the Federal Highway towards Subang if you have your car windows down. But then again, who drives with their windows down these days??? Now the brew is mainly promoted via posters prominently pasted on the walls of some local restaurants, often cradled in the nubile hands of some scantily clad anorexic model. Ah, now the brew is not only manly, it’s also SEXY!

Now, the buzz word is not being macho or even manly. The buzz word about being a man these days is being a METROSEXUAL GUY. How do you define one? I dunno, lots of magazines attempted to define the metrosexual man. I read in one magazine that the metrosexual man owns at least one MAROON colored shirt. I have two….so I guess that qualifies me as a metrosexual, I suppose. I suppose at the heart of being a metrosexual man is a guy (or one who resembles a man, anyway) who is in touch with his feminine side. One who is not afraid to cry, one who appreciates beauty and says it out loud, who who takes care of his skin, who goes for facials, joins a gym…blah, blah, blah, so on and so forth.

How does one reconcile the old with the new? The notion of being a macho man who drinks his brew and the new man who is sensitive and vulnerable?

I can think of one way. DRINK! Drink your booze and you will be in touch with your femminine side (actually I am not sure the word ‘femminine’ has one ‘m’ or two); at least morphologically anyway. Let me explain…

A few days ago I posted a picture of the back of a man and asked if any of my readers has an inkling as to what it was. Edina Monsoon ventured to guess (sorry gal, wrong on both counts; and oh, I have no idea how to link your website to mine… hope you can teach me) . Very intelligent guesses too! The correct answer is….SPIDER NAEVI!!! You will now go, like, huh???

And they were some of the biggest I have ever seen too!!! I saw this man in my clinic some time ago. He was a chronic alcoholic. What are spider naevi? Well. they are basically dilated small blood vessels present just beneath the skin. What causes them? Some believe they are due to the high estrogen level (the female hormone) associated with people who drink a large amount of liquor over a prolonged period of time. Why do we call them spiders? Because the lesion has a centre point which if you depress it, the lesion will disappear but once the pressure is lifted, the vessels fill up in a centrfugal way, much like a spider spreading out its legs. Get it??

Other features associated with chronic alcohol consumption are: loss of body hair (except the scalp), enlarging breasts, testicular atrophy (in layman terms, smaller balls) and decreased libido. And the man who drinks begin to resemble a woman over time. What better way to get in touch with his feminine side!! SEXY isn’t it?

Why am I so free to write all these non-sensical stuff…because I am on call again this weekend and I am just plain bored. Just in case any one of you out there is a bit dense (my apologies), my point in writing this is….PUHHHLEEEeeeeeeeeeZZZZZ DON’T DRINK!!!! I have seen enough misery caused by alcohol in my patients. Trust me on this one.